People wonder why I went to India for college. I know why cause I caved in. I couldn't take the constant pressuring from my father. He kept telling it was the right thing to do.For him it was financially. For me it was like my world was ending. I was very young and had not mentally matured. My vision in an indian college was seeing people prancing around the college corridors and trees, like the college themed bollywood movies. Well there was do dancing or singing on my first day it was ragging( similar to hazing in frat houses, only in the indian colleges all the freshmen were hazed)
There were a lot of other NRI's beside my self in my college, the seniors would round us up and make us sing the indian national anthem, Uh excuse me but a bunch of NRI girls singing janna baana whatever, not very pleasing to the ear.
I had a tough time in college it was like being in highschool all over again, people would date but I knew I couldn't. After all these years I realized that not being able to date wasn't the part that sucked but it was the part of being alone. After class my friends would get ready and meet their respected boyfriends, and I would sit in my room. I could've dated but I knew I wasn't allowed to. But neither were any of the other girls either. I guess that's the problem with having a conscience.
I always wished I could speak up and firmly say no I don't want to study in India, I stil remember that day I agreed to go I had tears in my eyes, I was crying. But after that My father spoke to me properly. And eveyhting was honky dory.
I know theres no point in crying over spilt milk, but that was one mistake that led to many more that I had made. Which has me regretting so much. I can tell total strangers what I'm feeling but not to my dear ones. Sad isn't it.
Over the years, I have started to learn about Islam and that's whats keeping me going. I make dua that I can open up rather stand up to my family, husband included. For god sakes I've got kids and I don't want them to make the same mistakes I did.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
assalamalaikum..
hm...when I were in 5th grade, we decided to settle down in india..it lasted for about a year and we came back!! I couldn't live in India seriously, I just dont fit in that world.
And yup, I too have that thing in my mind, you know ' I wont let that happen to my kids, I wont let them go thru what I went to'..
BTW- what city do you come from in india?
Young Muslimah,
Asalaamu Alaikum
It's hard when you see u're kids might go down the same path as u, tha'ts why I want to stop it at all costs. I don't want them to regret anything, that I could've prevented.
I am from madras what about you?
Salaams!
I agree about how having a conscious really does stink sometimes. You see all these people around you doing what you've been told as wrong, yet they're happy and here you are, wanting to do it, but deep down can't shake off the morals your parents gave.So there you are, unhappy NOT doing it, but knowing that if you did, your conscious would make you miserable.
About not being able to speak up, I think as desi muslim women, we're encouraged to do for the sake of others and be happy in knowing you did the right thing. but my complaint about that is, doing the 'right' thing kills your own spirit in a way. Constantly putting others before ourselves, well its leads us to believe deep down that others ARE worth more than us, I mean thats what we are saying with our actions basically, that you the other person's feelings and opinions matter more and thats why I'm going to do what you say instead of what I want. thats what hurts us the most.
And don't worry about what your kids in this matter too much, because I KNOW that you probably encourage them to speak their mind since you know how important it is. That's all they really need, to know that they can have differing opinions, and that their opinions matter just as much as anyone elses. Good luck with speaking up, we're all rooting for ya!
Abcdlaw
ASAK,
thanks for your support. You know I always thought I was the only one who thought the way I did. It's nice to know that now someone understands what your going through.
BTW- I will always be there if you need to vent or need advice:-)
Post a Comment